i was born a porn star she said
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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