I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
