I think my fart just growled at me.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He has the fingertips of a God
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
