Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize