we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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