i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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