This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
