i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
