It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
