i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
