I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I cannot find my penis.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
