i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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