Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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