Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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