there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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