I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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