I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
