on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
