So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
