i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
