I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
