somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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