I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
