who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
