saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
