Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
