Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
