where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
