im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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