I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
