Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
