I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
