Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
