God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
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