There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize