i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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