I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
