i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
