I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
