Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
