This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
