Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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