My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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