i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
