I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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