god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
