I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
