i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
