Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
