I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
