every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
