woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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