I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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