Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
