i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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