I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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