On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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