Cold hands, warm shart.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
