If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
