I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
