even my farts smell like vagina
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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